A Viper Tried To Kill Me
Something is going on in the automotive world right now that should upset me, yet it doesn’t. Chrysler has decided to stop production of their super-car, the SRT Viper. If you’re unfamiliar with the car of choice for the late Randy “Macho Man” Savage and Hulk Hogan, here is a picture to refresh your memory.
This car is not for someone with a weak heart. It’s fast, hot, really loud and you can’t get one with an automatic transmission because it’s never too late to learn to drive stick if you want to have any fun in a car! The new Viper has a top speed of 206mph, goes from 0-60 in 3 seconds and it may try to kill you. It’s one hell of a package, except it has one HUGE problem. The factory in Detroit that builds the Viper from top to bottom is quiet right now because no one is buying this 2-seat, 8.2 liter 640hp V10 powered car. They are just sitting on the dealers’ lots. It’s amazing to me that a shouty car with stripes that once starred in its own syndicated TV series- and also tried to kill me several times- is harder to sell than a timeshare property in… let’s say Detroit. Maybe there’s a reason I’m not as upset as I should be that this car could potentially die a very quiet death. It’s because that car hates me. I was just driving a friend’s Viper down the road one day, minding my own business and the car totally went sideways on dry pavement at
mostly legal speeds. It was like the thing wanted to burn my leg on the exhaust (it did) and make me sweat with the air conditioning on (it was hot in there) before it decided to kill me. I know Christine is just a Stephen King book/scary movie and it would be silly to think that an inanimate object wanted to kill me, but I’m convinced that car wanted to kill me, presumably because it knew I owned a Mustang.
I’m not sure why no one is buying these very special cars these days. On paper and in pictures, they’re awesome. In reality, when I see one, all I can think about is “this car stickers for $170 grand.” I could get a top of the line Corvette or GT500 Mustang for about $70K less with just as much power and still have money left over to buy a quality mobile home. With the leftover cash, I can get a nice double-wide with a car port on a quiet canal for my speedboat.
Maybe the price isn’t the reason the car isn’t selling well. It’s probably got something to do with the new Viper logo that reminds people of that giant snake Voldemort tried to kill Harry Potter with down in that cave. Whatever the reason, I really do hope that this very special car gets bought by more than just people associated with professional wrestling and those searching for the right manufactured housing community while they’re on the waiting list for a new Z07 Corvette.
Erica Habedank/ CW44 Tampa Bay