BREAKING NEWS! The Dodge Viper is back in production after a two month “vacation” from the factory. This was largely due to a complete lack of sales and a lack of interest in paying $175K for a car that isn’t as good as a $60K Corvette. That may sound biased, but it’s also a medical fact. Without boring you with a bunch of numbers, Dodge makes an average of SIX new SRT Vipers a day. Eso es seis El Viperos cada dia. Chevrolet is managing to build as many as 160 Vette’s every day in the hills of Bowling Green KY as their neighbors at the Corvette Museum struggle to repair the giant sinkhole that opened up under the dome, that was caused by what I assume was some super-villian who will be appearing in the next comic book movie that I never heard of.
I love speedy cars, like the Corvette and Viper. I love how they smell, sound, feel and how they can hurt my neck if I’m not careful when I “allegedly” abuse these cars, legally, on a Mexican back road at 2am on a Tuesday. I’m addicted to the rush that can only come from an internal combustion engine, but it’s becoming very difficult to justify the cost of owning something fast. Most muscle cars and supercars get abysmal gas mileage and 93 octane gas is not only expensive, its’ also endangered now more than ever. The news media largely skipped over what BP said last week. They released a little statement, that may be a smokescreen to get out of paying for ruining the Gulf of Mexico, claiming that there is only 53.3 years of oil left. On one hand, I’m glad that I’ll be dead before the world turns in to a scene from a Mad Max movie. But on the other hand, my kid, your kids and grandkids face the possibility of living in a barren wasteland populated by roving motorcycle gangs with painted faces, wearing leather and feathers who are fond of killing everyone for their gas. So I’m going to propose something that I never thought I would ever consider. Go buy a Hybrid. Right now. Ditch that SUV or 4-door luxobarge you love so much and get a Prius, a Volt or that electric thing that Nissan makes called the Grass or Petal or maybe the Leaf. If you have a ton of money, you should already be driving a new Tesla S.
I recently spent a long weekend with some friends who just bought a brand new and shiny Traffic Cone Orange Prius C The 3 – whatever that means. As much as I’ve made fun of it these cars in the past (and in the present) I have to admit that after riding around in the thing, I really want one. There. I said it. Now everyone knows. The little traffic cone was really nice, comfortable, felt solid and it was super quiet. It even had a decent stereo. I’m going to advocate that everyone who owns a speedy car that they don’t daily drive, pitch in right now and buy a freaking hybrid or electric car, for the greater good. Maybe that will help ensure that the government won’t make us crush our thirsty, fun cars when the gas supply really starts to dry up.
Now, please excuse me while I eat this bowl of bean sprouts and drive in the HOV lane to my yoga class.
Erica Habedank | CW44 Tampa Bay